I don’t ever want to cause him any distress or make him unhappy or cause him pain. I can’t bear the thought of him worrying about me. And if I’m going to be honest-and I may as well be-the real reason I agreed to keep this diary was to reassure him-prove that I’m okay. Gabriel didn’t say it, but I could tell he’s concerned about me. I feel better already-writing this down is providing a kind of release, an outlet, a space to express myself. I ran my hand across the first page, feeling its smoothness-then sharpened my pencil and began. It has a black leather cover and thick white blank pages. And then a few days later he presented me with this little book to write in. He kept nagging me, but I did nothing about it. “Why don’t you try writing things down? Keeping some kind of record? That might help.” I just get so stuck in my head sometimes. He’s a graceful cook-elegant, balletic, organized. I like watching Gabriel move around the kitchen. He got me a glass of wine, and I sat at the kitchen table while he cooked. He asked how the painting was going-I said it wasn’t. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it, but he noticed-of course he did, he notices everything. I’ve been feeling depressed lately, about a few things. I’ve never been that comfortable with words-I always think in pictures, express myself with images-so I’d never have started writing this if it weren’t for Gabriel. You focus on the word, which is just the tiniest part, really, the tip of an iceberg. Once you name something, it stops you seeing the whole of it, or why it matters. An unnamed something that I occasionally write in. As if I should write in it every day, and I don’t want to-if it becomes a chore, I’ll never keep it up.

Calling it a “journal” sounds too academic, somehow. Anne Frank kept a diary-not someone like me.

It feels a little pretentious to call it a diary. I don’t even know what to call it-this thing I’m writing. Maybe I do know and just don’t want to admit it to myself If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us./piracy. Copyright infringement is against the law. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only.

The silent patient book pdf